Celebrating

I'm home from New York with a full heart after spending some much needed time with my Tribe. These women each so uniquely different come together to make something incredible. I'm so thankful that 7 of us could make that trip on relatively short notice. Despite the shadow of events that took place last Friday we were able to grieve together and then made a conscious effort to celebrate each other during the weekend.

My very first trip to the city was magic. I spent a lot of time just observing it all. I took very few photos because I was just too busy immersing myself in the experience. It really lived up to the iconic expectations I had created in my head. The sounds, the people and the sparkle all were really something spectacular.

Of course the only reason I ever made it to the city in the first place was to celebrate my photo making it onto the wall at The Impossible Project space. It isn't something I can so much put into words. I will say that I am incredibly grateful for the opportunity to share my work as it is something that brings me great joy.

I feel like pictures sum up this journey far better than words so I'll let them do the talking. You can see more photos from the trip here.

Tribe Love

We have all been waiting for this moment, anxiously. Without further delay, I give you what is now becoming an annual tradition. The Tribe video:


The Tribe 2012 from Long Haul Films on Vimeo.

This is why every single person deserves their own Tribe. To break us out of our shells and move...just a little bit. These women bring me so much joy!

Moments like these

It is just before 5:30am and I wake to hear excited voices outside my bedroom door. Slowly as I become aware of my surroundings I start to wonder why exactly my housemates are up so early and why there is a need for such commotion at this hour. Then I swear I hear the words skinny dipping sung in an all too cheerful voice and think: "they better not be going without me."

I stepped out of my room to be greeted by faces bursting with excitement and laughter. I raise my hands up in the air and stare them down. Apparently this was happening at too-flippen-early o'clock.

Sometime in the night a plan was hatched for an early morning dip in the Pacific. I don't think any of us were awake enough to talk our way out of it or to clearly comprehend the fact that it was in fact already daylight outside.

Just like that we were throwing our clothes on a blanket and streaking towards the water.

Running with my tribe that morning was incredibly healing. It was the purest example of being present in the experience. I welled up with emotion as I ran towards that water because I recognized that in that very moment I was experiencing what living wild and free really meant. We were stripped down to our rawest and most vulnerable naked selves and able to laugh and run together. No judgements, no comparisons and no hesitations. A piece of that beach became a part of me in that moment, forever linked to my soul.

A small piece of that beach literally linked itself to me on the way out too. While still deep in my euphoric blissful experience I lost my footing and tripped, laying myself flat out on the sand and surf. Still totally buck naked and still completely in my blissful trance lying there with a mixture of tears and laughter erupting out of me. I will never forget the sight of my other very naked tribe sisters rushing over to help me up and exclaiming: "no man left behind!"

Moments like these are the ones that truly matter. They are the ones that stick with us forever. The moments that we will recall when we are old and wrinkled. Maybe, just maybe our tribe will still be creating these moments by then too. I'm counting on it.

Photos by Melissa Dowler of Long Haul Films.

Polaroids from Tribe 2012

and it goes like this...

Life is fleeting. We spend so much time trying to set ourselves up to live that much of that life isn't really lived at all. I think collectively as a species we are recognizing this. There are gentle reminders every day to just BE here.

I believe that all of us have a fundamental need for connection on some level. We seek it, we thrive in it and we hurt when it isn't found. Every single being on this planet needs a Tribe. I say this because I found mine or it found me last year when I was asked to be a part of something that just seemed really fun at the time. I said yes to an adventure without fully being aware of how much that moment would set a course chock full of extraordinary life moments. Moments so incredibly magical I will never be able to entirely express the enormity of them in words.

Meeting with my Tribe for the second time at the Oregon coast this year was a gift. One that will continue to lend itself to me in the years ahead. These women fill me up. They inspire me. They bring out the absolute best of me. Most of all they show up as their true selves wholeheartedly. That is the real key to connection right there.

The conversations were a mixture of silliness and deep introspective moments. Tears and laughter were equally spilled out into the room with the teal couch. Sand was caught between our toes and paint was flung across the room. Every single moment lies like a beautiful tattoo on my soul to be cherished forever.

I imagine I will have much more to share soon as I gently make my re-entry into life at home but for now I just want to marinate in the absolute beauty that happened last week and to say thank you. Thank you to Rebecca, Sarah, Meghan, Emily, Elizabeth, Sophia and Melissa for this week. I love you all!

Reaching out

Polaroid SX-70/Impossible PX680 Film

I've been thinking a lot lately about isolation and how much misery I tend to put myself through. This especially struck home on my birthday this year. I did not receive a single card in the mail. No lunches with friends. Nothing. Sure there were the countless wishes on my Facebook wall but as we all know social media can very easily feel very connected yet disconnected all at once. I sulked through my day the best I could and finished it with dinner with my family. Trying very hard to feel blessed and not sorry for myself. The funny thing with hurts is if you try to bury them they always surface again.

This week it all seems to be stirring up inside of me again. The loneliness. The ache. The fear. There are some fundamentals in life we all need. Connection, bonding, shared laughter on the front porch. The depth of my sorrow this week is bottoming out. I am realizing how much I pull back in situations that could be the very opportunity I need for friendship and connection. I love my blogging community and online Tribe with all my heart but the need is still there for that special tribe I can connect with right here in my own city.

So I am going to start reaching out. I'm going to start inviting those people who I genuinely want to connect with to lunch. I'm going to stop putting up the walls. I am going to start living again out in the open away from my rock. I'm going to find a way through this all to start expressing my true self again. I often sit in the shadows hoping for that hand to come reaching through the darkness to me. Yet it never occurred to me that maybe, just maybe, I need to first extend out my hand into the light. The nature of my personality often pegs me as uptight and self conscious. Maybe I am, maybe not. Either way I have to heal this ache by finding connection right here in my own town. "We should get together sometime" are empty words. Real plans must be made. I must do this for myself because the bleakness of winter is coming and I will need all of this to get me through.

I'm writing this post today with tears in my eyes and hope in my heart. This is my way of holding myself accountable. I'm opening up the wound and letting it breathe. Sitting with the wholehearted sadness that comes with it. Acknowledging that the time for reaching out is now. One step, then another, then another....

Reliving Manzanita

The Tribe 2011 from The Long Haul Project on Vimeo

Melissa, fellow Tribe member and 1/2 of Long Haul Films, created a gorgeous video from our time in Manzanita. My only regret was that her beautiful face was missing from the footage. Next time I will remedy that. I got so much joy from seeing this and hope you do too!

Coastal Reflections

I'm still trying to process all the beauty that surrounded me in Manzanita. Grasping at the special moments that made it all so surreal. Our Tribe was born from the primal need we all had for connection and creativity. It was made possible by the dream of one woman with a concept sprouted from another group of inspirational souls.

I'm relishing the photos and the words shared on blogs. I'm reliving it all day by day and trying to hold onto that sense of peace that I felt along the coast. I'm watching new friendships blossom and connections take a deeper hold. I'm cherishing it all.

If ever there was a need for more of these type of connections I would say that time is now.

The Tribe

Photo by Rebecca Murphy

Sunday night I returned home feeling more peaceful than I had been in months. My aching heart was warmed by the sounds of laughter, cheerful banter and the roar of the sea. I found my tribe. I found a group of women I can be my calm quiet self around and not worry about pretending to be someone else. I could sit quietly on the sidelines and listen if I wished. I could watch with the deep concentration that my face sometimes shows and not be asked to smile because I looked like something was wrong. I felt understood. I felt included and like I belonged just for being me.

Dusk at Manzanita

I arrived on Wednesday feeling unsure of what was to come. Trying not to have expectations but they came anyway. I was worried about the dynamics of the group. Each of us so different yet so much the same. I was sure I would be the black sheep. The one with less talent and less to offer. I know this is a story I created in my own head but it was there nonetheless. I feel like I am in such a transitional time right now, trying to find my voice while continuing on this crooked creative path I am following. What I found was that every single one of these ladies are also on their own crooked paths. Searching for that next small step. Every one of us encased in a beautiful cocoon of transition. Some are starting to crack open and spread their wings while others are waiting just awhile longer until the time is right.

Group Photo by Rebecca Murphy

Meghan, Elizabeth, Melissa, Sarah, Darlene, Sophia, Rebecca and Emily. You have helped to heal me just a little more. Lindsey and Stefanie: we missed you greatly and your presence was felt and with us every step of the way. My heart is already longing for next year. The thought of having this to look forward to every year of our lives is the greatest gift. Come Hell or high water I will be there next year to do it all over again.

On my way

I'm boarding a plane today to the Oregon coast. (The currently very wet and rainy coast). But my spirits are high because I will be spending time with an inspirational group of women who can only be described as Rock Stars.

Earlier this year when Meghan inquired if I would be interested in being part of a creative women's group she was forming I jumped on the chance. I literally responded back with a big fat yes within the hour. I felt so honored to be included in a group of amazing artists, photographers, writers and more. Seriously honored. I wasn't sure what I could bring to this group but knew it was most definitely something I had been seeking for a long time. That sense of belonging. This Tribe is now one of a precious few I feel honored to be welcomed into this year. I am so thankful to be connecting with other creative souls and even more grateful for the courage I have had to reach out for that little nudge of inspiration when I have needed it most.

I've been quite around the blogging world this week just sinking in. Preparing for summer vacation with my daughter, planning trips with my husband and celebrating our 9th wedding anniversary. I'm hoping to return next week refreshed and ready to start creating and sharing again.