Most days in this world and in most places I have felt a lack of belonging. Growing up I didn't associate myself with any crowd in particular. I never belonged to a church congregation. I never belonged with the popular girls at school. When I moved to a rural town in my early teens I most certainly did not belong there.
Wherever I went I felt alone.
Even today as a mother I feel like the one who is always waiting in the shadows. I am the quiet observant one. I am the woman who will sit on the edge with a stiffness to her posture and a serious look on her face. I am the mom who sometimes finds it too hard to get out of the car and converse with others mothers at the bus stop. I am that woman.
The answer came to me last week from the mouth of a wise woman (an honest to goodness wise woman). She told me: "You don't feel like you belong therefor you don't." How true these words rang. It has started to occur to me in the recent past that I alienate myself. I create stories in my head about how I don't belong, that I don't fit in. I think the roots to all of this are even more intricately multifaceted then those words alone.
The truth is I deeply desire to connect with like-minded individuals. I want to belong and to have a tribe. Just. Like. Everyone. Else.
The truth is I haven't always been surrounding myself with like-minded individuals in the past, instead I smothered my own voice and drowned out the whispers of my authenticity.
The truth is that I am only starting to become intimate with the deeper truths of myself. How could I possibly interpret where I fit in and where I do not if I could not see where I stood by myself?
The truth is that usually no one is intentionally leaving me out. I am the one choosing not to participate.
The truth is sometimes I won't always fit in and that is OK
The truth is I believe that the labels we perceive others have and those we assign ourselves keep us from experiencing true connection.
The truth is there is room for me if I let there be.