Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Sometimes courage doesn't roar
Alternatively titled: Why I'd suck on Survivor.
I had grand plans for this blog post weeks ago. Funny how sometimes I start to write the posts out in my head before the event occurs. I was writing a story of my year long journey into self and how I successfully spent 3 nights and 4 days alone in the woods on my vision quest. I was piecing together juicy details of hardship and triumph and how I would come away with a clear vision of my path as I walked back down that mountain.
Only I didn't.
The weeks leading up to my quest slowly filled me with dread. I knew what I signed up for in theory. I knew it would be the hardest thing I have ever set out to do. I didn't know just how hard it would be.
I consider myself a fairly stubborn and hard headed person. I will be there when I say I will be there. I will be there for you if I tell you I will no if ands or buts. So surely I will do something I say I'm going to do. I thought there was no out on this. I thought I would soldier my way through like always. I would do this even though it was the last place I wanted to be.
I tried. Oh I tried so very hard to do just what I set out to do. My first afternoon was spent sobbing in my tent. Sobbing. The rain poured down outside and the tears poured down inside. Come night I tried to find comfort in sleep only it didn't come. Hours and hours passed and I fought and battled so hard against my emotional self.
The next morning came and went and I was no closer to being at ease in my circle. I drummed, I sang, I chanted and when the weather allowed I fiercely marched around my campsite laying logs in a circular pattern trying to define my territory to the unseen outside wild.
Then I snapped. Something so deep triggered inside of me I could no longer stay put. I marched outside of my circle and was on a mission. I was finding my teacher and calling this thing. I was done.
The agony of having to voice that you just aren't strong enough to complete a task is... heart wrenching. I felt as though I was letting the entire world down. Those dear friends I told whom were lighting candles for me and saying prayers for my journey; those were the ones I was so afraid of disappointing. But that little inner child inside of me would not be silenced. She was raging and clawing her way to the surface, in dire need of being heard and being held. She needed rescuing. So after what felt like hours of a full on temper tantrum in the presence of my teacher I said the words. "My inner little girl needs to win this one, I'm going to do this for her."
So after two full days and one night in the wild I left my quest early and here is what I learned:
-Sometimes the biggest quest of all is the one we take deep inside ourselves. Not the one out under the stars.
-Sometimes having to say: "please help me" is the bravest expression of all.
-Sometimes I don't have to be the hero, the rock star or the inspiration.
-Sometimes things just don't unfold quite like you expect and that's OK.