Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Sometimes courage doesn't roar


Alternatively titled: Why I'd suck on Survivor.

I had grand plans for this blog post weeks ago. Funny how sometimes I start to write the posts out in my head before the event occurs. I was writing a story of my year long journey into self and how I successfully spent 3 nights and 4 days alone in the woods on my vision quest. I was piecing together juicy details of hardship and triumph and how I would come away with a clear vision of my path as I walked back down that mountain.

Only I didn't.

The weeks leading up to my quest slowly filled me with dread. I knew what I signed up for in theory. I knew it would be the hardest thing I have ever set out to do. I didn't know just how hard it would be.

I consider myself a fairly stubborn and hard headed person. I will be there when I say I will be there. I will be there for you if I tell you I will no if ands or buts. So surely I will do something I say I'm going to do. I thought there was no out on this. I thought I would soldier my way through like always. I would do this even though it was the last place I wanted to be.

I tried. Oh I tried so very hard to do just what I set out to do. My first afternoon was spent sobbing in my tent. Sobbing. The rain poured down outside and the tears poured down inside. Come night I tried to find comfort in sleep only it didn't come. Hours and hours passed and I fought and battled so hard against my emotional self.

The next morning came and went and I was no closer to being at ease in my circle. I drummed, I sang, I chanted and when the weather allowed I fiercely marched around my campsite laying logs in a circular pattern trying to define my territory to the unseen outside wild.

Then I snapped. Something so deep triggered inside of me I could no longer stay put. I marched outside of my circle and was on a mission. I was finding my teacher and calling this thing. I was done.

The agony of having to voice that you just aren't strong enough to complete a task is... heart wrenching. I felt as though I was letting the entire world down. Those dear friends I told whom were lighting candles for me and saying prayers for my journey; those were the ones I was so afraid of disappointing. But that little inner child inside of me would not be silenced. She was raging and clawing her way to the surface, in dire need of being heard and being held. She needed rescuing. So after what felt like hours of a full on temper tantrum in the presence of my teacher I said the words. "My inner little girl needs to win this one, I'm going to do this for her."

So after two full days and one night in the wild I left my quest early and here is what I learned:

-Sometimes the biggest quest of all is the one we take deep inside ourselves. Not the one out under the stars.

-Sometimes having to say: "please help me" is the bravest expression of all.

-Sometimes I don't have to be the hero, the rock star or the inspiration.

-Sometimes things just don't unfold quite like you expect and that's OK.

15 comments:

  1. your honesty shows the brave that you hold.
    you are one of my hero's, before and now after.
    i learn from you. others learn from you and gain
    strength. for that i am blessed.

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  2. Celina, strength can be measured, documented and reported many different ways. The point is to do what will make you feel strongest in the moment, which is just what you did. I'm cheering for your little girl!

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  3. i'm steadfast in my words that you are an inspiration and hero to me. for going to the wild, for listening to yourself and your inner child and for knowing when to call it. xo

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  4. your honesty inspires me so much dear girl. your words, "my inner girl needs to win this one" are words that deeply speak to me. Yes yes yes to honoring her and you.

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  5. The gifts that you received. The healing that came from this quest. YOUR quest. Was the most beautiful thing I got to witness all weekend. I am so grateful to bare witness of your courage to see and hear the blessings that have come from it. I am truly inspired. I am so grateful to call you sister.

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  6. you showed up for yourself, and your inner little girl in ways that make me weepy. I am so proud of you, always. I see the beauty of you, in all of your states of being, and love you just as you are...xoxo

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  7. you are amazing
    truly amazing
    this is a great story of bravery, courage, strength, expansion,letting go, love,
    I love all the comments above...I echo those words
    quest is personal...discovery is personal....sprituality is personal
    what ever you do, as long as you do, you are making a difference
    love to you brave sister
    what an amazing adventure

    love and light

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  8. this has your word for the year all over it! you're brave in speaking your deep seeded voice and calling it when you needed to. your bravery rocks! this was your quest and you honored that completely! you are an inspiration! xo

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  9. i second our sister Kelly...

    what a beautiful, brave, raw post ... and what beautiful lessons were learned on your journey.

    i believe all unfolded just as it was supposed in order for you to learn the things you shared with all of us
    reading your words.


    "Sometimes the biggest quest of all is the one we take deep inside ourselves. Not the one out under the stars.

    Sometimes having to say: "please help me" is the bravest expression of all."


    WISDOM!!!!!!!!!!

    oxoxox
    k

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  10. you are so incredibly brave and amazing for following your heart. i respect, honor and adore you for being true to where you found yourself. thank you simply for being you!
    with deep love,
    valerie

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  11. You are so brave, so courageous, so true. I am still cheering this journey on. I think you have triumphed in listening to yourself and being true to that little girl inside. Much love. Always. xoxo

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  12. Thank you for sharing this. Thank you for always being brave. Thank you for being a wonderful inspiration to me. Thank you for letting your truth, your light, and your heart out into the world. Love you!! :)

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  13. Yes! to what everyone else has said. I am deeply touched by your honesty, your bravery, your willingness to let it unfold as it needed to and share that with us. There can be so much power in letting go of how we thought it "should" be and trusting our inner voice. You are an inspiration.

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  14. your honesty is entirely inspiring.

    thank you for sharing this story with us. xo

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  15. This is so beautiful, so TRUE.

    Thank you.

    xo,
    Allison

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