Saturday, October 6, 2012

Voicing the unspoken truths

Fractured


Voice. My word for the year. Funny how much power a word can have. Funny how it manifests itself in ways you would have never anticipated. Maybe "funny" isn't exactly the right way to describe it.

I'm struggling right now. It isn't all unicorns and rainbows over here. Most days I collapse in bed too tired to pay attention to anyone but my ragged self at night. I feel as though I'm treading water, furiously attempting to stay afloat.

It was ten days ago that I learned my identity had been stolen. It has been ten days of incredible anxiety, stress and paperwork. Ten days of crawling inside my own skin yet no longer feeling like myself. Ten days of barely keeping a grasp on my escalating anger, pain and furry. Ten days of constant being in the ick.

They say a name holds power. It does. When someone walked around pretending to be me they stole something from me. I'm fighting to get it back. My name is Celina Wyss but I am more than just the letters on a page. I am a soul residing inside this body of flesh and blood. So I have decided even though someone took my name, address and social security number I have to move past being JUST those things. I have to move beyond being a name on a paper. I have to do this or I will completely fall apart.

Thank the Goddess that I had credit monitoring set up and was alerted within days of this all happening. For this I can be be grateful. Some people don't find out that quickly. Because of this, I highly recommend doing a credit check and looking into a monitoring service. It could save you a lot of heartache.

I tend to pretend all is okay on the surface. Typically emotions are not too heavily expressed by me on either side of the spectrum. But here is the ugly truth: on the ouside I appear to have it all neatly put together but underneath I am a few short moments away from snapping. This is not the way I want to be. So I want you to know right here and now that I don't have it all together.

I get my feelings hurt. Sometimes by things I wish I didn't.
I feel left out. A lot. Most of the time this is my own inability to step into a situation and make myself seen.
I am often not remembered when people meet me a second time. I like to think it is my secret shape-shifting super power.
As open as I appear to be it takes a lot for me to feel comfortable around new people.
I'm uptight sometimes. It is often mistaken for being aloof.
I get angry sometimes, just like you.
Most mornings I take my daughter to school in my pajamas.
I don't love my body all the time, nor do I embrace every part of it. It is a work in progress.
I'm feeling pretty much buried in projects at the moment and too paralyzed to move forward with anything.
I get in creative funks just as much as I get in creative flows.
I'm a gamer and I am tired of the stereotype that word brings. Just like this lady
I'm behind on reading all of your lovely blogs.
I have several Skype dates I need to schedule and phone calls I need to return. I feel guilt when this happens.

I am showing up today just to say, here I am. This is me. What I am doing in this very moment will be and is enough. I will get past this and I will feel whole. But for the moment it feels pretty damn good to let it all out.

11 comments:

  1. much love from me to you xoxo

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  2. ugh. typing on phone. its dar above ;)

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  3. so much love and understanding ...really feel you here and hear you and you are seen.
    xoxo

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  4. Every single word of that second to last paragraph resonates with me. Each and every. oxo

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  5. You are on my heart and mind today. xo

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  6. love you so much. all of you. <3

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  7. i am holding space for you during this time and through all of this mess that you have been blindsighted with. and i look forward to when the universe makes time for us to connect again, and all in good time. thank you (always) for your honesty. who really "has it all together" anyway?... i wonder... thank you for sharing so bravely what so many are unable to. xo

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  8. you, exactly as you are is beautiful! Do not ever forget that. Sending you a hug and know that you are seen and you are heard.

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  9. it is more than enough beautiful lady
    standing with you
    staff in hand

    love and light

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  10. Vulnerability, that is when we realize just how alike we all are. your honesty is beautiful and inspiring, you are so strong even when you feel you are weak, you are seen, even when you have a hard time seeing yourself...

    the earthly world will remind us constantly of our limitations, the dangers that lie all around us, dangling fear before our eyes, thank goodness for our souls that are there to give us reprieve and remind us why we are truly here--to live in love, compassion, forgiveness, and kindness for others, yes, but first for ourselves.

    thanks for this Celina
    xo

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  11. You are so gorgeous, even in all your turmoil. I am sending you so much love and light, and know that on the other side of this lay the kind of peace and wisdom you will find grace in. xoxo :)

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