|Polaroid SX-70/Impossible PX680 Film|
I've been thinking a lot lately about isolation and how much misery I tend to put myself through. This especially struck home on my birthday this year. I did not receive a single card in the mail. No lunches with friends. Nothing. Sure there were the countless wishes on my Facebook wall but as we all know social media can very easily feel very connected yet disconnected all at once. I sulked through my day the best I could and finished it with dinner with my family. Trying very hard to feel blessed and not sorry for myself. The funny thing with hurts is if you try to bury them they always surface again.
This week it all seems to be stirring up inside of me again. The loneliness. The ache. The fear. There are some fundamentals in life we all need. Connection, bonding, shared laughter on the front porch. The depth of my sorrow this week is bottoming out. I am realizing how much I pull back in situations that could be the very opportunity I need for friendship and connection. I love my blogging community and online Tribe with all my heart but the need is still there for that special tribe I can connect with right here in my own city.
So I am going to start reaching out. I'm going to start inviting those people who I genuinely want to connect with to lunch. I'm going to stop putting up the walls. I am going to start living again out in the open away from my rock. I'm going to find a way through this all to start expressing my true self again. I often sit in the shadows hoping for that hand to come reaching through the darkness to me. Yet it never occurred to me that maybe, just maybe, I need to first extend out my hand into the light. The nature of my personality often pegs me as uptight and self conscious. Maybe I am, maybe not. Either way I have to heal this ache by finding connection right here in my own town. "We should get together sometime" are empty words. Real plans must be made. I must do this for myself because the bleakness of winter is coming and I will need all of this to get me through.
I'm writing this post today with tears in my eyes and hope in my heart. This is my way of holding myself accountable. I'm opening up the wound and letting it breathe. Sitting with the wholehearted sadness that comes with it. Acknowledging that the time for reaching out is now. One step, then another, then another....