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I've been thinking a lot lately about isolation and how much misery I tend to put myself through. This especially struck home on my birthday this year. I did not receive a single card in the mail. No lunches with friends. Nothing. Sure there were the countless wishes on my Facebook wall but as we all know social media can very easily feel very connected yet disconnected all at once. I sulked through my day the best I could and finished it with dinner with my family. Trying very hard to feel blessed and not sorry for myself. The funny thing with hurts is if you try to bury them they always surface again.
This week it all seems to be stirring up inside of me again. The loneliness. The ache. The fear. There are some fundamentals in life we all need. Connection, bonding, shared laughter on the front porch. The depth of my sorrow this week is bottoming out. I am realizing how much I pull back in situations that could be the very opportunity I need for friendship and connection. I love my blogging community and online Tribe with all my heart but the need is still there for that special tribe I can connect with right here in my own city.
So I am going to start reaching out. I'm going to start inviting those people who I genuinely want to connect with to lunch. I'm going to stop putting up the walls. I am going to start living again out in the open away from my rock. I'm going to find a way through this all to start expressing my true self again. I often sit in the shadows hoping for that hand to come reaching through the darkness to me. Yet it never occurred to me that maybe, just maybe, I need to first extend out my hand into the light. The nature of my personality often pegs me as uptight and self conscious. Maybe I am, maybe not. Either way I have to heal this ache by finding connection right here in my own town. "We should get together sometime" are empty words. Real plans must be made. I must do this for myself because the bleakness of winter is coming and I will need all of this to get me through.
I'm writing this post today with tears in my eyes and hope in my heart. This is my way of holding myself accountable. I'm opening up the wound and letting it breathe. Sitting with the wholehearted sadness that comes with it. Acknowledging that the time for reaching out is now. One step, then another, then another....
i am thinking of you today. what a heartfelt opening up (big big hug!) i know what that longing feels like. i guess that is why i get so infused when i leave my house. fresh air. fresh surroundings. i am glad you came here with your tears. you are heard! i so wish i lived in your city to have those porch talks in the flesh. but with that said SOON (this week) this package on my office floor will make its way to you. i am looking fwd to creating and working on this together!! xo
ReplyDeleteOh how I wish we lived in the same town. I can so relate to your words and sentiments today. I often feel lonely here in this place that isn't really my home. I'm grateful for the small handful of connections I have made here, but I often feel lonely and isolated. I know I live far away and our in-person times together are few and far between, but I *am* here. Much, much love dear friend. xoxo
ReplyDeletewhat a beautiful post.... so raw and real. please know you are not alone. many can relate, but are often too afraid to admit it. i too long for in-person connection and regularly run into acquaintances who finish conversations with, 'we should get together sometime,' only to never follow through. stay strong!
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you are feeling so lonely but so proud of you for being aware enough to take a step towards feeling better. And you will feel better because once you put yourself out there in front of people, they will see what a wonderful gift YOU are. I wonder who the first lucky person will be who gets to sit across from you and have a cup of tea or a vodka martini? It only takes a tiny connection to feel good -- and that is certainly within your reach. You are beautiful, intelligent and kind -- and those town folks you choose are so very lucky to have that opportunity to connect with you. xxoo Thinking of you and thinking we need a group call real real soon.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry for the hard time you are going through.. I can identify 100%, I have not built up too much of an online community or one in person, but I know what you mean when you say you want to connect in your own city, there is something about the face to face... I am right here with you on that!
ReplyDeleteAs much as I like Facebook, I think it's sort of become default for so many.. Something I try to be mindful of myself.. Some of what you are saying really reminds me of melody ross and a video called whip cream diet... I really identify with that as well.. Sending you positive and connected thoughts!
You and me both sister. I am so with you. I need to do this too. I feel just as isolated and sometimes wonder what the heck is wrong with me. I have seen through our Tribe what connection can bring into my life, well after I'd resigned myself to a more solitary existence, but you're right. We need more in person connection time. I'm inspired. I'm going to try to reach out more too. Thank you beautiful for sharing this. :)
ReplyDeletesuch beautiful tender heart that you have my lovely celina!you are seen and held and loved! there is a hug (or twelve) coming your way soon!
ReplyDeleteHi. I think I have visited before in the past, but was struck by this post today - for the reasons people have stated above. I spent some time looking around your sight and I like it here! I wanted to know where you lived....just in case you lived where I do! You don't; however, I used to live in Boise and I had such a grand time looking at your photos.
ReplyDeleteI sometimes think we want the same depth and connections in our daily lives as we have online, and sometimes life is just too busy.
Today, I am not feeling the ache that you were (was it yesterday?). I went to a back to school leadership meeting that I was dreading and looking for every reason not to go. But I forced myself and, as I often am, glad that I spent time out in the real world today. The administration of our kids school was talking about a speaker they have coming in january. It sounds like her basic premise is.......your kids shouldn't always have the perfect fit teacher and dont always need to be with their good friends. We try to make everything so comfortable for our children, mostly because we don't like to see them hurt or struggling. Her premise is that kids need these opportunities so that WHEN (NOT IF)WE ARE UNCOMFORTABLE OR SAD IN REAL LIFE that we learn how to move through the pain, and experience growth in ourselves.
It looks like you are well on your way. Good Luck. I'm excited to find your blog.
Every word here resonates so deeply with me Celina and reaffirms the need to connect in the real time instead of protecting and sheltering. thank you.
ReplyDeleteHi Celina,
ReplyDeleteI just found your space and adore it already. I'm going to put it on my google reader immediately!
This post of your touched me deeply. I've been looking for my tribe too ~ an online tribe as well as a "shared laughter on the front porch" kind of tribe. Although I don't live in Boise anymore, my grandparents do & I often make it out that way. Plus, I saw that you make it up here to Portland sometimes too. Maybe we could meet up the next time we're in each other's city. I would like that very much.
In the mean time, I'm wishing you all the luck and blessings you need to find a Boise tribe to connect & bond with ~xo
Oh. I would love to take you for lunch on your birthday or any day, to laugh and talk about daughters and husbands and life and art. I used to wait for that hand to pull me out of the darkness, out of myself too. This next year is going to be a big one for you - I can feel it in my bones. Sending love...
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