Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Stuffing It

1 Year Old Me
Growing up I was always on the shy side and never thought of myself as overly expressive but yet I found myself to be very emotional. My mother would refer to me as sensitive. At some point growing up all that changed. I stopped crying. I stopped laughing so hard. I stopped sharing. Looking back I don't think any one particular moment caused me to be so closed off instead it was a long chain of events. I'm guessing it peaked around the time of a very emotional breakup in high school. Which was immediately followed by a rotten situation with a much older married man. Everything spiraled after that into one giant mixing bowl of emotional chaos.

Then at some point the tears just stopped. Not because I was healed but because I figured out how to stuff those things deep inside of me. The stuffing has continued for I don't know how long but in the past year and through a whole lot of deep soul searching I have started to find that I am an incredibly gifted stuffer.

If you really knew me you would know that at first I appear closed off and stoic. It takes time for me to open up to new people and even more time to show emotion around them. This is something I dislike about myself immensely. I am not saying I want big changes to happen. I just wholeheartedly wish to crack wide open. I need to burst out of my shell because at this moment it is all too painful to keep stuffing. There is no room left. I'm tired of not being able to laugh so hard I lose my breath. I'm weary of holding back the tears. My body is giving me all the signs. The stomach troubles, the painful lumps in my neck. It is all pointing to the fact that I don't really let myself be heard. Staying in the shadows has become too much but I no longer know how to be in the light anymore. I am finding myself in the midst of an immense transition right now. Like the butterfly waiting to emerge. Only I don't know when the time will come. I'm counting on soon-ish.

6 comments:

  1. I am sorry for your physical discomforts, Celina, but I definitely think you are wise to interpret them as some kind of message from your spirit. I think the desire to crack open is probably all it takes to figure out how to do so - and know that I for one am one of surely legions of people standing here happy to offer a hand if that cracking creates some fear and uncertainty. It might - it does for me. xoxo

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  2. it is amazing how our bodies try to offer wisdom. i too am trying to listen to my own. this soul searching path can be so full and so overwhleming. i am holding space for you during this transition... be it soon-ish or when the time arrives. xo

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  3. Lovely Celina, this post really touches me because I can related to it deeply. I too searched (and continue to search) for ways to break myself open wide and be my full self. It will come for you, I have no doubt and I will be there on the other side to laugh with you or to cry with you. The full, vibrant you is so worth waiting for.
    Big love!

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  4. Such a beautiful and honest post, Celina. You *are* transforming. You *are* hearing the calls and seeing the signs of the Universe, beckoning YOU (the real, true, whole YOU) to come forth. I'm hear whenever you need me as you emerge from that caterpillar shell.

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  5. Sing. It. Sistah. The burden of the sensitive girl; never fully trusting when you can open up. I hear you. Keep on pushing on those walls!

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  6. i love you and all that you are at every stage of this journey you are on ... you are a gift.

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