Stuffing It

1 Year Old Me

Growing up I was always on the shy side and never thought of myself as overly expressive but yet I found myself to be very emotional. My mother would refer to me as sensitive. At some point growing up all that changed. I stopped crying. I stopped laughing so hard. I stopped sharing. Looking back I don't think any one particular moment caused me to be so closed off instead it was a long chain of events. I'm guessing it peaked around the time of a very emotional breakup in high school. Which was immediately followed by a rotten situation with a much older married man. Everything spiraled after that into one giant mixing bowl of emotional chaos.

Then at some point the tears just stopped. Not because I was healed but because I figured out how to stuff those things deep inside of me. The stuffing has continued for I don't know how long but in the past year and through a whole lot of deep soul searching I have started to find that I am an incredibly gifted stuffer.

If you really knew me you would know that at first I appear closed off and stoic. It takes time for me to open up to new people and even more time to show emotion around them. This is something I dislike about myself immensely. I am not saying I want big changes to happen. I just wholeheartedly wish to crack wide open. I need to burst out of my shell because at this moment it is all too painful to keep stuffing. There is no room left. I'm tired of not being able to laugh so hard I lose my breath. I'm weary of holding back the tears. My body is giving me all the signs. The stomach troubles, the painful lumps in my neck. It is all pointing to the fact that I don't really let myself be heard. Staying in the shadows has become too much but I no longer know how to be in the light anymore. I am finding myself in the midst of an immense transition right now. Like the butterfly waiting to emerge. Only I don't know when the time will come. I'm counting on soon-ish.