Wednesday, January 2, 2013
The post I wasn't sure I would write
Though I attempt to keep some parts of my life private here I feel like I actually share quite a bit. This past year was a roller coaster full of dramatic ups and downs for my family and myself.
So when I was brought to my knees with news this Fall I thought to myself that it would definitely be going to the blog. Because that is just something I do. Its a way for me to work through it, not unlike therapy. Only it didn't. I kept it balled up tightly only sharing with a select few. I cried. A lot. Mostly alone. I didn't let anyone help and I didn't reach out.
Tracey Clark's recent post about breaking her blog silence helped me realize that I can share this. I want to be able to share my hurts in a way that inspires others to reach out. I want to help others feel not so alone. Only right now I can't seem to muster a sparkly post about how to do that.
I am a mother. With that comes worry, pain, fear, love, heartache, stress, sleepless nights, giggles, homework, band-aids, adventure and so much more. When I learned that my daughter: My beautiful, spirited, unique child was recently diagnosed with Aspergers I was heartbroken. The words opened a long festering wound of worry and guilt. Yes I am fully aware how many other more challenging conditions there are in this world and I am grateful. But still there was a deep mourning period I had to go through. I had to let go of what I was hoping her childhood would look like. I had to let go of the picture I had created in my head for her. I have to allow her to be herself fully and truly and resolve to help her navigate this world in her own unique way. Which is a journey all mothers take.
There is nothing wrong with her nor will there be. I don't like the thought of attaching a label to her one bit so I will do my best not to. I will be an advocate for her with her schooling and find ways to help her as much as I can. Most of all I will stop beating myself up over the fact that we didn't catch on sooner. I always was hoping that maybe her sensitives were just that and we would get through it. We rode the roller coaster of anxiety for years. Tip toeing through challenges. Mostly we just stopped doing things that she could not do. Like going to movies or being outside when it was windy. Part of this new understanding comes acceptance and a willingness to not push so hard. To allow her to be where she is right now and find some outside support for all of us.
I'm realizing I am not super mom. I never really thought I was doing a stellar job but never asked for help either. I never admitted how difficult life was for us at times. How much shame and guilt I went to bed feeling every night. Those are the things that are harder to break free of.
I wasn't sure what direction the words would go once I started typing. I can't say that I feel ready to be uplifted by all of this just yet but at least with knowledge comes relief. We have a direction now, one that is missing the uncertainty we had before. That feels better.
Thank you all for seeing me and witnessing my ups and downs this past year. It has been quite a ride. One that I am ready to transform this year into with a lot more revelry and a heck of a lot less worry.