Seeing myself differently

For today's Relish12 prompt: Where this year did you begin to see yourself differently? What are the words you’d no longer use to describe yourself? What are your new favorite descriptors?
2012 has been a year of epic proportions. Really when I look back I am sort of wowed by the fact that I am not disheartened or feeling negative over all that transpired.

2012 was the year I learned to use my voice. It was the year I made the difficult decision to walk down off the mountain from my vision quest and not wallow in self pity because of it.

2012 was the year I learned having my identify stolen was really more about paper than my soul and I survived this too.

2012 was the year I looked at myself just a bit more gently as a parent and realized I really am doing the best I can.

I can hear new words forming in my head now as I think to describe myself. Ones that may not have been there last year. Strong. Artistic. Grateful. These are the words I now hold close.

One little word

2013 will be my 3rd year of picking a word as a guide. I never was one for resolutions. In the past I tried to set intentions but it wasn't until I heard about using just one word that I really decided to jump on the bandwagon.

I've learned that one simple word can pack a lot of punch. It gives me a focus for the year. Not anything too concrete, yet powerful enough to make stuff happen! My word for 2012 was Voice. It manifested itself in some interesting ways which is why I was awfully careful how I picked my next word.

Though I tried and tried to ignore it, the word: Revel kept popping up for me. It doesn't appear to be an elegant or beautiful word, but yet it feels like exactly how I want 2013 to look. I'm not sticking to its primary definition either. No, I really don't want 2013 to be about drunken all night parties. Instead I am focusing on another definition: to take great pleasure or delight  It is a powerful, strong word. It's a word that will remind me to live out loud and celebrate. Maybe just maybe it will get me dancing too. Who knows?

Happy Holidays!

From our house to yours. May your day be merry however you celebrate!

Body Map

Today's Relish12 prompt is from the lovely Liz Lamoreux. Someone I adore a whole heck of a lot. She writes: What does your body hold from 2012? Where did your feet walk? What did your hands hold? What did you tuck gently into your heart?

These hands, they held a child. Struggling, aware, insecure. They tapped along the keyboard sharing fears and stories and well wishes. The beat furiously on a drum. Boom...boom...boom.

These legs, they ran naked on a beach. Joyously in celebration of women-hood. They walked alone and not alone. One step then another, then another.

These eyes, they wept tears. Sometimes of joy, of sorrow, of laughter. The watched others walk their own crooked paths. They drank in the sites of new cities and destinations.

This body, it changed. Growing, shrinking, healing. It gave up foods that no longer felt good. It became more aware than ever of our interconnected lives. It felt love.

A Message

Celebrating

I'm home from New York with a full heart after spending some much needed time with my Tribe. These women each so uniquely different come together to make something incredible. I'm so thankful that 7 of us could make that trip on relatively short notice. Despite the shadow of events that took place last Friday we were able to grieve together and then made a conscious effort to celebrate each other during the weekend.

My very first trip to the city was magic. I spent a lot of time just observing it all. I took very few photos because I was just too busy immersing myself in the experience. It really lived up to the iconic expectations I had created in my head. The sounds, the people and the sparkle all were really something spectacular.

Of course the only reason I ever made it to the city in the first place was to celebrate my photo making it onto the wall at The Impossible Project space. It isn't something I can so much put into words. I will say that I am incredibly grateful for the opportunity to share my work as it is something that brings me great joy.

I feel like pictures sum up this journey far better than words so I'll let them do the talking. You can see more photos from the trip here.

Morning Ritual

 
Today's prompt from Rebecca:

So, did you have a morning ritual this year? What did it consist of? Whether it stayed the same or changed as the year went on, what meaning do you think it holds?

My ritual includes tea. Just tea. I've never liked coffee but occasionally would drink tea in the past. Until this last year when it turned into a must every single morning. My husband even knows how to make it for me now and happily brings me a cup as I stumble out of the bedroom on weekend mornings. I savor every sip.

Creating Space

Monday I was the guest poster on Relish12. My prompt was more of a challenge than a writing assignment and it went a little something like this:

Carve some time out for yourself this week. Hire a sitter, enlist your spouse or family for help. Reach out. An hour or the whole afternoon, it’s your choice. When planning your time think about what your soul needs most. Is it comfort? Lock yourself in the bathroom for a bubble bath. Is it release? Take a drive to a quiet spot and scream at your steering wheel. Whatever it is you are most needing your highest self already knows, so take this time to do it. Afterwards, write about what creating that space meant for you. What emotions bubbled up? Where did your thoughts drift? Could you commit do doing this for you more often?

Of course when I wrote this my husband wasn't out of town and it wasn't 2 weeks before the Holiday's and just days before I leave for New York City. I was starting to wonder what exactly I was thinking. Then I just made sure it happened anyway. I've been withdrawn from others lately. I was tense. So much so it manifested itself directly in my shoulders to the point where I could not turn my head yesterday.

Today I was lucky enough to have an entire day per-scheduled and carved out for myself. Hair appointment first then followed by a blissful 1 hour massage. After that I topped it off with much needed chiropractic adjustment. I feel 100% better.

Lying on that massage table I drifted off into what feel like a waking dream state. No longer aware of my body or my surroundings I just let myself drift. The message that popped up was "let go..." So I did. I let go of worry and fear about my trip. I let go of the non loving way I have been treating my body lately. I let go of the tension that was rolling off of me. I allowed myself the gift of just being there. I physically could feel my shoulders moving away from my ears after I walked out today. What a difference a release can make. When I took a deep breath outside and noticed the sun was shining the world looked a hell of a lot different than it did when I woke up this morning.

It's all about perspective isn't it?

Favorite Reads of 2012

 
Better late than never I am finally diving into some Relish12 prompts. If you haven't signed up yet, I invite you to check it out. I am a wonderful example of someone who won't be blogging every day this month. Still surrendering here.

Today's prompt is from Rebecca and she asks: "What books did you read this year? Which were your favorites? Why did they mean so much to you?"

I read. A lot. This past year I eased back on the self-help books and indulged in quite a bit more fiction. I love losing myself in a fiction book, especially a series where I get intimately attached to the characters. I've learned this year that my favorite genre is Sci-Fi Fantasy.

Some of the highlights this year:
The Hunger Game Series by Suzanne Collins - I resisted reading these books so much after all the hype but in the end I caved and picked up copies and pretty much read them all in a heartbeat.

The Mists of Avalon by Marion Zimmer Bradley - This could possibly be one of my all time favorite books. I loved the story line and the women's perspective of Arthurian legend. The feminine interpretations almost felt like teachings at times sprinkled through the book.

Books I'm still working on:
Women Who Run with Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes - This book has been in progress for 2 years now. While I deeply enjoy it whenever I pick it up to read it is not something I can devour in days. I prefer to pick it up when I feel called to and most often the chapter I read is something I very much needed to hear at that moment.

A Field Guide to NOW by Christina Rosalie - The lovely Michelle gifted this book to me from a contest on her blog. I'm so happy to have received it. Every time I pick it up I feel myself slowing down and noticing much more of my life as I live it.

I'm always, always looking for new reads to anxious to hear what everyone else is reading too!

Supporting Handmade

Every year I include more and more handmade into my holiday shopping. This year I'm so happy that I know so many wonderful artists. I wanted to spread a little love and cheer this season and hopefully bring some business their way. So if you are lacking gift ideas, click away!

Hand Stamped Pendant by Simply Rebecca

Water Your Soul Bracelet by Liz Lamoreux

Polaroid Card Set by Life Refocused

Goddess Necklace by Holding Space

Mixed Media Print by Tim's Sally

Hand Painted Moleskin by Kelly Barton

Stitched Brooch by Danielle Daniel

Emerging

Fuji FP-100c Film

Even though I'm emerging from the hibernation I had retreated into I am still surrendering as a practice.

I'm letting go of the fact that this year, thank yous from my daughter's party will not be sent.

I'm accepting that right now I'm currently without a nice DSLR camera thanks to my cat knocking mine to the floor with speedlight still attached.

I'm recognizing that I don't need to scrapbook every moment of my daughters life and it is ok to just put the photos in albums. The memories matter more.

I'm realizing that in less than 2 weeks I will be on my way to New York City and will probably be scared shitless in anticipation of being in a big city.

There is plenty of goodness going on around here. I'm grateful for that. Slowly I'm making my way back into the light again. I've been busy working on my Etsy shop and have several new items listed. I hope you will take a moment to check it out. More cards will be up by next week.

Surrender

 Surrender seems like a good word to summarize the space I am currently in. The past few months have been chaotic. For weeks I have been feeling the gentle tug to pull back. Slowly I worked up the courage to delete most social media from my phone. Then I deactivated my Facebook.

I've noticed a growing trend of friends stepping back lately. Pulling in. I thought they were so brave and that I really couldn't do that. Most of my closest and dearest friends live sprinkled throughout this continent and I felt like social media was the main line of communication for us. It took a few of them stepping away for me to see that connection was still possible.

What a funny time we live in with Twitter and Facebook. So many avenues of connection, too many. I felt like I was swirling. Lost. Energitically I was drained. Emotionally I was spent. I had no more to give. I needed to give all I had to myself just for awhile. I needed to stop fighting against the current and surrender.

I'm trying not to listen to the "should" voices that tell me I need to be creating, be commenting on every single persons blog or to be listing more and more items on Etsy. The list goes on. I'm surrendering to the fact that I don't need to share every moment of my life on Facebook. I'm surrendering to the fact that I also don't need to read every moment of yours to feel connected. It's a fine line to dance between retreating and connecting but I'm learning to tip toe down it.

I've started journaling again. Not every day but more than I was. The battery on my phone is lasting much longer now that I am not checking Facebook at every impulse. I'm engaging more with my family now that my eyes aren't glued to my phone or computer. Most importantly I'm giving myself permission to not do it all right now.

I'm not ready to emerge from this quiet time in the North just yet. I'll know when that time comes. Right now I'm happily working on long shelved projects around the house. Purging and making space for both myself and others. It isn't always comfortable but that is where the real magic happens right?

"Life is our teacher. Life communicates with us all the time and it is a lesson to see how life continuously has led me to the people I need to met, to the situations I need to experience, and to the places I need to be. There has never been any real reason to worry since all small individual rivers are already on their way to the ocean, to the Whole. It is not about swimming, it is about relaxing and to float with the river in a basic trust that life already leads towards the sea of consciousness, towards the Whole."  ~Swami Dhyan Giten

Monday Musings

5 Things I've leaned since owning a dog: 

•  Shit happens. Deal and move on.

• If at first you don't succeed, try...try again. 

• There is always time for play.

• There is no past or future. Only now. 

• If all else fails: love.....just love

Tribe Love

We have all been waiting for this moment, anxiously. Without further delay, I give you what is now becoming an annual tradition. The Tribe video:


The Tribe 2012 from Long Haul Films on Vimeo.

This is why every single person deserves their own Tribe. To break us out of our shells and move...just a little bit. These women bring me so much joy!

Then and Now

24 years ago I wore this sash and today she wears hers. 

How time flies.

Change is in the air

In light of my recent exciting news, I'm working on manifesting a trip to New York to see my photo in the exhibit. I'm planning to visit in December with my lovely Tribe who have rallied together to help Meghan and I celebrate the event. Plus, who wouldn't want to see New York City in all its holiday sparkle?

I'm also cleaning house. I've updated my Etsy shop with my current inventory on hand and am having a sale to move it all out. This will make room for me to add new photos soon and help me save up for that big city trip. Everything in my shop is currently 35% off if you use the code: HARVESTLOVE at checkout. If there is something you have had your eye on, it may not be there next month so get it while you can!

Thank you, thank you for all the support and congratulations. It means the world to me!

Voicing the unspoken truths

Voice. My word for the year. Funny how much power a word can have. Funny how it manifests itself in ways you would have never anticipated. Maybe "funny" isn't exactly the right way to describe it.

I'm struggling right now. It isn't all unicorns and rainbows over here. Most days I collapse in bed too tired to pay attention to anyone but my ragged self at night. I feel as though I'm treading water, furiously attempting to stay afloat.

It was ten days ago that I learned my identity had been stolen. It has been ten days of incredible anxiety, stress and paperwork. Ten days of crawling inside my own skin yet no longer feeling like myself. Ten days of barely keeping a grasp on my escalating anger, pain and furry. Ten days of constant being in the ick.

They say a name holds power. It does. When someone walked around pretending to be me they stole something from me. I'm fighting to get it back. My name is Celina Wyss but I am more than just the letters on a page. I am a soul residing inside this body of flesh and blood. So I have decided even though someone took my name, address and social security number I have to move past being JUST those things. I have to move beyond being a name on a paper. I have to do this or I will completely fall apart.

Thank the Goddess that I had credit monitoring set up and was alerted within days of this all happening. For this I can be be grateful. Some people don't find out that quickly. Because of this, I highly recommend doing a credit check and looking into a monitoring service. It could save you a lot of heartache.

I tend to pretend all is okay on the surface. Typically emotions are not too heavily expressed by me on either side of the spectrum. But here is the ugly truth: on the ouside I appear to have it all neatly put together but underneath I am a few short moments away from snapping. This is not the way I want to be. So I want you to know right here and now that I don't have it all together.

I get my feelings hurt. Sometimes by things I wish I didn't.
I feel left out. A lot. Most of the time this is my own inability to step into a situation and make myself seen.
I am often not remembered when people meet me a second time. I like to think it is my secret shape-shifting super power.
As open as I appear to be it takes a lot for me to feel comfortable around new people.
I'm uptight sometimes. It is often mistaken for being aloof.
I get angry sometimes, just like you.
Most mornings I take my daughter to school in my pajamas.
I don't love my body all the time, nor do I embrace every part of it. It is a work in progress.
I'm feeling pretty much buried in projects at the moment and too paralyzed to move forward with anything.
I get in creative funks just as much as I get in creative flows.
I'm a gamer and I am tired of the stereotype that word brings. Just like this lady. 
I'm behind on reading all of your lovely blogs.
I have several Skype dates I need to schedule and phone calls I need to return. I feel guilt when this happens.

I am showing up today just to say, here I am. This is me. What I am doing in this very moment will be and is enough. I will get past this and I will feel whole. But for the moment it feels pretty damn good to let it all out.

A love affair with film

I've been sitting on some pretty exciting news. News of the IMPOSSIBLE kind! I cannot tell you how smitten I am with this company and so appreciative of the spark they have reignited in the instant film world.

Earlier this year I learned that two Polaroid shots of mine were selected to be included in a deck of postcards set to be released sometime next summer. I was so completely tickled and happy about it that I forgot to mention it here! This is by far the most tangible thing I have ever been a part of photography wise and I will be completely ecstatic to see it on the shelves next year. The shots chosen have not been shared here on the blog or on Flickr and I have decided to keep it that way. Sort of adds to the big reveal for me when they are published next year.

The next part of my wonderful news is that my Twister shot (below) was chosen to be a part of the next exhibit in the Impossible NYC space starting later this month! It was such a huge honor to be chosen and I feel completely blown away to be featured along side all the talented and amazing artists included in the show. I am hoping that the Universe finds a way to get me to New York by next year so I can see it up in person. The icing on the cake is that my fellow Tribe sister, Meghan, will also be exhibiting at the show. How amazing is it that we get to experience this together?

Lastly, have you seen their newest project up on Kickstarter? Yet one more thing I will be anxiously awaiting next year!

Our newest member

As if my life has not been chaotic enough lately (and oh my has it ever) we decided to finally expand our family. He's furry and a lot of work but oh so cuddly. Meet Jake!

The thought process that led us to a dog is a long story but the short version has to do with our daughter and her constant nagging anxiety. We felt this would be a great companion for her and also a tool to help her manage her anxiety through caring for another being. As long time cat people this is something very new to us and it is taking some adjusting. We are stumbling through house-breaking, poop eating and sharp puppy teeth. So far though, he has been far more behaved than we could have hoped for and would very much prefer to hang right next to us than go looking for trouble.

So off on another journey I embark, one step at a time.

Polaroids from Squam

Squam Love

I've been trying to write for weeks about the magical time I had at Squam in the woods but words have failed to sum up the experience. If you have ever considered going but are afraid (like I was) - do it anyway! You will grow, you will refresh and you will connect, I promise you!

There is an energy there like no other. Peaceful. Healing. 

New friends and shared connections add to the flavor of the week. 

You will come back alive. 

Listening in

Those of you who have been following me for any length of time know that I struggle with body image. I struggle with my health. What I have found over the last 2 years was that I really struggled with listening. I would bounce from doctor to doctor getting advice, supplements and herbal remedies. I would stare at them intently listening to suggestions, diagnosis and cures. I would try, oh I would try so very hard. Then I would complain that it just wasn't working. I would cry. What I never did, not fully, was get quiet and listen. Not the type of listening that we turn towards others but the kind of listening that needed to be turned inward. The quiet kind. Because of these struggles being strung out for years my body caught on and decided that maybe quiet just wasn't going to work.

So it yelled.

It screamed at me for not listening. Clawed at my insides furiously. It churned and bloated and acted out until finally I heard.

The past 3 weeks I have been strictly dairy free and what a difference it has made. Had I known all along that was the root of my ill health I could have saved a lot of time and money. Being dairy free sprinkled in with trying to eat as little gluten as possible has been a difficult transition. The payoff however has been so rich in reward that it would be impossible to ignore in the future. I do not know yet the full extent of my dietary limitations but I'm getting much much better at listening. For that I am grateful and so is my body.

We are settling in to this new reality together, my body and I. Navigating through the isles of instant packaged food and passing them by. We sit together at tables with others watching them enjoy their ice cream and baked goods. We try to remember that those foods are no longer healthy for us and we are better off without. We try to remember that easier isn't always better.

The biggest step of all, however, has been to look in the mirror with love and curiosity again. For this is the real reward.

To Be Whole Again

Remember what it feels like to be whole.

Remember what it means to be alive.

Remember that you are a soul inside a body.

Remember that you are perfect, just the way you are. 

Remember what it feels like to walk along that dusty road and breathe in every single step.

Remember the gentleness that comes with self care.

Remember how to get dirty, caked with mud and sweat and tears.

Remember to stop and look up, then down.

Remember to gaze upon the mirror with kindness. 

Remember how to sigh with contentment.

Remember what soft feels like under your fingertips.

Remember the passion that comes with discovery.

Remember that the first step is always the hardest.

Remember how to fall into yourself, wholeheartedly and with love. Always with love...

August Break: She plays

August Break: Sea of Gold

August Break: Small town Idaho

August Break: Roid Week Finale

Spectra Polaroid Softtone

August Break: Believe in Film

August Break: A Diptych

Folding SX 70 Impossible PX 70 Cool film

August Break: Backyard Views

Spectra PZ680 Cool Double Exposure

Spectra PZ680 Cool